Bigger than the Fears

Tonight we are sleeping in the same room. I moved the mattress from our guest room into the nursery so that I could hear you both suck on your fingers in your weird little upside down ways and touch your cheeks and your pudgy little hands while you slept. Kaisa, you are cooing away at the dark ceiling, contentedly unaware that the dark can be a scary place. You have no fear and you trust me completely. Sig, you banged your head earlier and I came in to cuddle up next to you and console you. All it took to comfort you was a kiss on your neck and a song in your ear and you knew everything was going to be okay. I know these moments will be brief, and I chose to sleep in your room tonight so that later on I can look back on a time when I could comfort and care for all your needs. Soon you will face the world. The world where the dark is scary, you don't know who to trust, and some nights the pain will be so unbearable that you cannot be consoled 

Today in the parking lot of Mormor's school, Poppa and I turned on the radio to hear that twenty minutes away, there had been yet another school shooting. We heard of children with backpacks running for the shelter of school buses, all the while you were both chattering away, Sig ironically singing "The Wheels on the Bus." I asked you then to stay small forever.

I don't want you to stay small, though. I want you to grow bigger than the hurt, to get strong enough to help others carry their burdens, wise enough to recognize needs and understanding enough to feel people's pain. God clearly told me today while I prayed that it is not my job to keep you safe. It is my job to love you, it is my job to love others and it is my job to love God. 

So tonight I will fall asleep, aching with all my heart for the parents of all of the victims. I will continue with my commitment to make sure each and every night how precious, valued and loved you are, so that one day you can teach everyone around you that they too are precious, valued and loved by God.