Taking Time

I cannot believe that it has been a month since I last sat down to write my thoughts on motherhood and the musings it brings. We have returned from a 10 day trip to the Midwest where Sig got to add four more states to his "passport" and have gotten back to a sense of routine. I have heard so many parents say they do not have the time to do things like write a blog, read about what developmental stage their child should be at or be totally caught up on the latest news. That is not true. I have the time, I just choose to spend it tickling my son's face with my hair, saying "poopy poodle pants" over and over again, doing push-ups next to Sig while he struggles on his stomach attempting to build up his neck muscles and generally spending lots of time in my sweats carrying my son around singing and dancing. I have the time to do other things, they just don't seem that important.

I take the time each night to write down one thing about the day that I would like to tell my son about when he gets older. A highlight from this last month included watching him discover his hands, staring at them in front of his face while he goes cross-eyed and shoving them so far down his throat that he gags. I delight in getting to know his routine (and being able to plan around it!). He is in my arms now for his evening doze fest before he wakes up for some couch time. Last night, Alex and I sat among piles of laundry reading books that Sig couldn't understand while we admired the pictures and he stared up at our faces. We look forward to the day when this will be more of an interactive activity, but in the meantime Alex is practicing all of his truck noises and accents. In one book, he was a dump-truck who started out as a British cowboy and ended as a husky Australian.

I am thankful for fall. As Alex and I took him for his first run along Alki Beach, I spoke with him about all the trees, colors and sounds. The next time autumn comes around, he will get to experience it in a whole new way, in a whole new routine, and I will make sure that I have the time to spend it with him.

Oh the Faces I Know!

Sig has many faces. As I am sure that I do, although I do not think that I have spent as much time staring into mine as I have found myself doing with him over these past seven weeks. I lose track of time, and have become one of those awkward moms who cannot maintain eye contact during a conversation, because apparently it is more important for me to look at my sleeping baby than practice decent social skills.

The face that warms my heart is the one that is such a vivid and exact replica of his dad. Alex says he does not see it the way everyone else does, but also reminds me that he knows my face better than his own because he does not look in the mirror for hours a day. I am learning to love Sig's face that doesn't remotely resemble mine. I remember when Alex and I were first dating and I would try to memorize each feature on his face, tracing his eyebrows and freckle marks with my fingers while he slept. Now I see my husband in my son's face, the frustration when Sig gets hungry, the uncertainty in his forehead when he doesn't understand something, the smile that starts on one corner of his mouth, the agitated eyes when he is tired and the pensive wonder that makes him seem like he is in another world. Funny to think that God gave me these two faces, so different from my own, yet more familiar to kiss and love my whole life. The face on this momma most days is contentment :)

Movin' on Up :)

It happened today. The moment that I knew was coming, the one that I would celebrate and that would still be bittersweet. Sig grew out of his newborn clothes. A box has been purchased, labeled and stored with my favorite items for a possible further child or nostalgia in twenty years. I am glad that I was never “baby-crazy,” and that in all of Alex’s and my conversations regarding Sig’s arrival, it was that of a human who we would get to teach, learn from and watch grow into a man. However, seeing his clothes get a little tighter as he stretches his legs means that many of the things I have enjoyed these last few weeks will soon be replaced. Sleeping on my chest will be replaced with keeping up with his crawling and responding to his hungry “clicks” will soon be listening to his observations and ideas.

We have had family weddings the last two weekends, which were emotional for me in that the last family wedding was when we found out we were pregnant. At each, Sig was held, admired and loved on by many. I found myself needing to grab him for quick momma cuddle sessions because I missed him so much. I hope to never forget special times like holding him close to me on a sunny afternoon while singing “Be Thou My Vision” into his ear along with other friends and family who live this hymn out every day. To celebrate love is such a special thing, whether it be the love of God, our love for our children or a couple’s love for one another. Alex and I sat on a porch swing overlooking the vineyard where the wedding was held, we reminisced where we were at four years ago as newlyweds before taking Sig in our arms out on to the dance floor to rock to some Michael Jackson.

I have been able to live in the moment more in the past six weeks than I have ever been able to, and I will continue to strive to do so through each milestone. I will celebrate his development, knowing that with every achievement he is becoming a little bit more of the man he is meant to be. 

 

One Month!

I am amazed how time flies. Sunday marked Sig's first month, and as I write this, the little boy who was inside me, moving around, getting ready to enter the world is grunting and playing with his hands. It is surreal that he is both here now, as Alex and I experience the newness of another life in our family, and that he hasn't always been here. He is truly our son, with his Alex furrowed eyebrows and his sun-kissed tan baby skin that reminds me that he is really mine.

He has done an amazing job keeping up with our family. He attended his first Family Reunion as the number 60-something member of the Hanstad family. After time with little cousins, great aunts and uncles and great-Grandma Gud, he spent the next few days sleeping off what my dad referred to as the "Hanstad Hangover" from so much activity and socializing. We are so grateful that much of the Carlson extended family came out this weekend for a wedding, and that Sig had the opportunity to be with even more family members who already love him so much.

As I begin to think about going back to work a couple of days a week, I want to capture what these last few weeks have been for both Alex and I as I have had the opportunity to be fully present at home as wife and momma. The days have flown by, but are marked by the following:

-Sig on dadda's lap each morning for "bring your baby to work day"
-"Khloe-LEAVE IT" as she attempts to lick Sig's face (we swear his first word will be Khloe, as it is the word said most frequently in our house)
-laundry blowing on the line in the backyard, full of tiny onesies
-4 or 5 outfit changes a day
-the click of our gate in the backyard as so many wonderful friends and family come to sit in the sunshine and love on the little guy
-daily outings with girlfriends to go on hikes, out on a boat, walking around Greenlake and shopping
-lots and lots of Starbucks dates with friends (he is getting acclimated to Seattle coffee culture at a young age)
-lots of cold cereal as I try to feed myself between his feedings
-many, many pictures as we try to capture every face and moment, as we know it will fly by
-learning his different cries
-Khloe by his side so often that we find ourselves referring to Sig as "her baby"
-bringing him up to communion as Pastor Jim Sundholm laid hands on him and blessed him
-losing track of time as I watch him sleep
-singing the same Lullaby a few times each night and never tiring of his facial expressions as he listens
-the outpouring of cards, blankets and gifts that seem to arrive daily
-his glittery face from my bronzer as I kiss and cuddle him
-"Diaper Days" in the backyard on these 80+ degree days
-Sig-to-skin dadda cuddle time while Alex is on the iPad

As I read ahead in my childhood development books, I am already looking forward to hearing his coos and laughs and seeing how he continues to explore and grow. However, I am learning to live in the moment. Moments like the following remind me how precious time is:

The summer evening warmth as my dad barbecues, Alex collects hydrangeas from my mom's garden for our table at home, my mom washing vegetables from her garden before bringing me a clean towel as I bathe Sig in a bin on top of the hot tub while the following song plays in the background:

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

I turned to my dad as he gazed at his bundled, clean-smelling grandson and said "I know I'm going to miss this."

Settling in with Sig

People keep asking how things are going for us, with a concern specifically for our sleep and sanity. To be honest, we have enjoyed two weeks of the most relaxed and special time of our entire relationship. Sig has adjusted to us, and us to him. In his sweetness, he wakes up once a night with a click of his tongue, never a cry. Alex and I both say how glad we are for the 4am feeding, because we both wake up missing him.

We are loving our new normal, which involves a little less sleep, a lot more laundry, a little more mess and a lot more love. We are so thankful  for the many visitors whose time and kindness has already been a blessing in his 11 day life. We have spent many hours figuring out breastfeeding, lounging in the backyard, and visiting with friends and family. He has already experienced many firsts:

-outings to Target, IKEA, Starbucks and Home Depot
-first bath
-first home visit from Grandma Joan  (who Alex and I refer to as G-Ma J) and Great-grandma Polly
-first visit to the farm
-first pediatrician visit-he is healthy and perfect!
-first birthday party to celebrate his one week of life, and GrandBob's 2,704th and Uncle John's 1,612th weeks of life
-first visit to church-my mom says he's Pentecostal 'cause he raised his arms during the doxology :)
-first live lullaby by MorMor

As I write this, we are on our way to Portland for his first of many, many trips to see grandparents. Sig is a trooper, sleeping in his carseat while Kaj and Khloe stare at him from the trunk. Alex points out all of the trucks for him as we head down I-5 and listen to country music, so that he is well-versed in both.

Sig is most active between the hours of 10pm and 1am, and we have dubbed him "Mr. Late Night." Who would have thought that my most precious moment of the last couple weeks would occur at 12:30am. I held an alert Siggy in my lap on our bed while Alex read Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do You See?, and I laid my head on Alex's shoulder and cried from beginning to end. I feel so full, not the kind of heartburn-inducing-pregnancy full, but the bursting with love for my husband, my son, and the God who has blessed me with both.

He's Here!

He's here. Sleeping on my chest. His little nose making little puffs each second while his hands explore my chest. I cannot describe how incredible it is to feel all of these little movements on the outside of my body, rather than the inside. The most wondrous thing is how normal it already feels. We have been talking about and dreaming of little Sig for years, and it just feels right that we get to hold him and tell him we love him.

I am told that I should write everything down, as these next few weeks, months and years will fly by. I am in the hospital for day three of little Sig's life, and I can already see how time flies. Alex has gone home to feed our dogs while Sig and I listen to YoYo Ma and reminisce over the adventure of the last few days and wait for Starbucks :)

Wednesday evening, July 11th, Alex and I shared a wonderful meal with GrandBob and Grandma Marilee on the waterfront in Des Moines, followed by some boat and sea life viewing at the marina. I had gone to sleep around 10:30 while Alex watched a show next to me. I woke at 11:59pm to use the restroom, which was not uncommon this late in pregnancy. Very quickly, I was writhing with back pain on the floor while Alex looked at me like I was a crazy person. When the pain subsided, I determined that I was not tired anymore, and began doing laundry and cleaning. Another wave of back pain (which I described as menstrual cramps set on fire) sent me crawling around in search of a comfortable position. Anyway who has been through this may have been able to recognize these signs of early labor, but I was convinced that I was being a huge baby, and this was not a big deal, merely an inconvenience. I told Alex that I had two fears, "one, that I have really low pain tolerance and this is what late pregnancy is supposed to feel like, or two, that I have really high pain tolerance and we should be at the hospital right now." With our handy contraction timer app in hand, and our book from one of our classes outlining the signs of labor, Alex called our midwife, letting her know that I was feeling pain every 4 minutes for about 45 seconds. She told us to come in after talking me through a contraction. I was hesitant to go, and kept telling Alex that I wanted to stay home. I was still not convinced that this 1am trip to Ballard was necessary as I sang along to "I'll Be" on the radio and called Sarah to give her a heads up where we were, but that we would probably be sent back home, so we would keep her updated, as this was probably nothing. She wisely said that she would meet us at the hospital, ad she was not going to be able to sleep any longer. I was quite crabby, as they put me in a wheelchair and brought me to the birthing center. Apparently, I do not like being a patient. The midwife came and let me know that I was dilated to 9, and that the baby would be coming soon.

The whole birth is a blur, and just like little Sig's eyes open and close, scenes from those few painful hours go dark and light. My memory, just like my consciousness, fades in and out. Scenes from Sig's birth:
-a flurry of people and activity around the bed
-Sarah gently stroking my hand as I faced her and fixated on her beautiful brown eyes
-Alex's strong hand on the small of my back
-a dimly lit room
-changing positions every few minutes
-exhaustion like I have never known
-whispering to Sarah, "is it bad that I want to take a nap more than I want this baby out?"
-my mom in the corner of the room saying "I'm pushing for you, Marie!"
-listening for Alex's voice above all others
-before the last push, turning to Sarah on my right and pleading "you do it, Sarah..."
-thinking everyone was being so quiet between contractions
-being conscious enough to snap at Alex and Sarah "I need to hear your voice...stop rubbing...less pressure..I need to see your face..."
-bearing down and thinking "I sound like a bear"
-saying to Alex, "Babe, I'm going to get you your baby" before the final push
-relief and joy as they placed that slimy, crying newborn on my chest

Sig's birth by the numbers:
7 lbs 3 oz-birth weight
19 inches - birth length
6 hours, 3 minutes: active labor
14 - visitors in the first 14 hours of life
22 - visitors while at the hospital
60 - hours in the hospital

Scenes from a Pregnancy

As we go from counting down the weeks to counting down the days, I am reminiscent of this journey and the unique experiences it has brought. I am often asked "what is it like to feel pregnant?" I wish I was one of those women who could say that it is like having a glow of life or whatever inside you, but if I am honest, it is awkward and the opposite of glamorous.

Starbucks Showdown
After placing an order for one of many caffeine-free beverages I have had since November, I headed straight for a room I have become very familiar with-the restroom. Unfortunately, another woman had the same destination, and was also pregnant. In addition to the awkward "you-go-first" dance, we very clearly sized one another up to see who was further along, and therefore more deserving of the facility. I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation, and thinking of it like a cowboy showdown at high noon. I let her go first, although I'm sure I would have one the how-far-along battle if it came down to it.

The Crumb Catcher
Getting used to what I call my "Homer Simpson" belly has definitely been an adjustment. I have tried to leave the house more than once with toothpaste on my belly, due to not leaning over far enough when brushing my teeth. I am already excited about the day when I can scoot up next to the table, rather than placing a napkin strategically bridged between my belly and eating surface.

Mattress Maneuvering
It was sometime in my second trimester when a soft, cushy pillow-top bed stopped being a place of comfort and began being a little torturous for every nerve in my spine. Fortunately, I live with a man who collects camping gear to equip a large herd, and for several weeks slept very comfortably on top of sleeping bags on the floor at his feet. One genius morning, I suggested to Alex that we flip our mattress to accommodate for my changing needs. Alex looked at me, looked at the mattress, looked at the fabric and declared that it was not a good idea, as the back side if the mattress clearly wasn't designed for sleeping on. I looked at him, looked at my belly, looked at my nest on the floor, and declared that his 6-month pregnant wife was not designed for sleeping on the floor, and I couldn't care less about the mattress fabric.

Stroller Set-UpGetting ready for a baby is all about logistics. We have spent hours organizing, planning, procuring, Craigslisting and setting things up for the little guy. We know that the chaos is yet to come, and this time of preparation is just helping us get ready.